It's been a little over three years since my father passed away. I thought time would soften it, but I've learned some feelings don't fade just because time passes. There's still something I never got to say to him. Something as simple as "thank you."
The Moment I Didn't Know Was the Last One
Looking back, I'd never really faced death before — maybe that's part of why I never imagined that moment would be the last one. My father, for his part, held onto the belief that he'd pull through, right up until the end. So instead of saying what actually needed to be said, we kept telling each other "it's going to be okay." I still wonder, sometimes, whether things would have been different if I'd known.
💕The Words I Wanted to Say but Never Did
Thank you. I'm sorry. I love you. Growing up, I always assumed those words were simply understood between us — it wasn't until after he was gone that I realized I'd never actually said any of them out loud. I think my generation, or maybe his, was never very good at saying these things directly. So the words I repeated hundreds of times in my head never once made it out into the open.
Time Moves Differently for the Ones Left Behind
Here's the strange part — even now, without him here, I still find myself talking to him. While I'm driving, or eating dinner, a thought will surface out of nowhere: "what would Dad have said about this?" The grief hasn't disappeared. I think I'm slowly learning how to live alongside it instead. If there's a word closest to what this feeling actually is, I think it's simply longing.
For Anyone Carrying the Same Feeling
Writing this made something clear to me — this kind of regret isn't something only I carry. If you've ever typed something like "words I never said to my parent" or "regret over never saying goodbye" into a search bar, there's a good chance you've spent nights that look a lot like mine. So I want to say this: having words left unsaid is proof of how deeply you loved. That love doesn't disappear just because it was never spoken out loud.
👲To My Father
Dad, it's late, but I want to say this now anyway. Thank you for raising me, for holding on with everything you had, and for always being there for me. I understand now — you were trying so hard to stay strong for us, right up until the end. I still ache sometimes, wondering why we both just kept pretending everything was fine.
I hope you're not hurting anymore. Wherever you are, I just hope you're at peace. I still miss you so much, and sometimes I'm scared I'll forget the sound of your voice. But I'm holding on to everything you left behind, and doing my best to get through each day.
This is my way of finally saying what I couldn't back then. Thank you. I love you. And I miss you, more than I can put into words. I hope, wherever you are now, that you're finally resting easy.
If this resonates with you, I hope it brings even a small amount of comfort. You don't have to carry this alone.
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